Dear Desiree

Good Evening Desiree,

I hope this letter finds you doing well. I am feeling a bit over my head lately. Your dad has a lot going on right now. However I have not lost my spirit and I am moving along at a decent pace. This of course by my standards. It’s all about making a decision. The problem is you never want to make the wrong one, as some time the after effects can be dire, but I digress.

Well lets start with you, you had a fever this past weekend, it came out of no where, but you lost all appetite and would not eat anything, not even your favorite foods or snacks. Your mother worried, thought it could have been something your teeth, I erred on the side of caution and thought lets just watch how your day progresses first. Unfortunately after a few hours passed you still had no desire to eat, so we eventually took you in to ER.

It turns out you had a viral infection, not a serous cold, but something horrible enough for you to get some medication. Apparently you catch this like you catch the flu and the doc said it gets worse before it gets better. It was scary but it took you all but a week and a half to recover. And now your the girl I remember running around the house.

Other than that, most things were like usual. As for me I’ve been contemplating how law school will work, after all as an adult continuing education, there are a lot of things on ones plate to square away first. The first year of law school I really don’t want to have to work, but we are edging towards home-ownership, I can only imagine the adventures we will have. Needless to say I am still undecided on how this aspect will work out, and I still have to put in time to study for this LSAT.

In other news, it also turns out that a consulting job for the city has turned into what looks like a contract from the city itself, which means more mulah baby! this contributes to the goal of homeownership. I use to hate New York really anything that was not home and familiar was not the place for me. But after travelling the world I’ve come to admire the differences of places, now its really about getting a bang for your buck. I am of thought that if your not purchasing in the south you really are not getting your moneys worth. New York is expensive.

Any how as far as the publishing adventure I have undertook, I am moving slowly on this. At first I wanted to start with a newspaper get involved in the community, however being that I am not sure where I want to be, I figured I might as well look into publishing my own book of poems first. With the help of your Mema, I have settled on the title “Eclectic Chaos of life” I want to chronicle the ups and downs of emotions and thought through out a year, so it will be sort of a big project, 365 pages of poems which in my mind breaks down to an emotion a day for whatever is being felt in the moment. It will be a fun project and since it will be my first book it is all the more exciting. I plan on making a few hard covers for keepsakes i mean its the first right.

The thing about it though is that I wanted to use this blog to showcase writing. Why would anyone pay for something that is being given for free. I haven’t figured that out yet, but I only plan on posting poems now that did not make the cut, not even really sure if they are that good, but the thoughts are real and I guess we shall soon see about the rest. I want something that resonates as real and pure as our thoughts are. I guess that’s the thought behind all poetic books, but they say you never learn without making mistakes, so I guess I should got out and make some.

Lately me and your mom have been butting heads. It’s funny I heard once you have a child that all the focus is taken away from the individual adult and put on the baby. Interesting enough this is not where our shortcomings fall. I think the stress and tension from her work, and my jovial attitude aren’t such a great mix, plus when their is this type of indifference there is both frustration and anger pent up.

As you know your dad is passionate in everything, so my voice is boisterous all the time, what may seem like yelling to the world, is actually my normal talking voice, this can be troubling when you are upset, but I noticed your mothers high anxiety and there it went. We were off to the races for about 2 to 3 minutes before I just shut down, I just realized damn your in the room.

You were still playing so lucky us you did not notice, at least I hope you didn’t, we’re PG arguers anyway so not sure if it mattered that much at this stage. I just had a strange sensation an outer body like experience looking at the whole situation and felt we needed to be better for you.

However, I hold a strong belief that if there’s something troubling you, we need to find a way to get it out. I wonder how other parents work out their differences. I never really had a model at home to go off of. And sad to say your dad is hardly the pushover. Sad thing it was stupid argument, half of it was about neglect, the other was just stress being brought home for work. I guess we all at some point need to decompress. Then we end up taking it out on the ones we love.

How do you tell someone when they are upset that we cant seriously argue right now because there are other things more important. I think we have done well so far with our communication but as everything in life we all have breaking points.

Any how I made a promise to write you once a month and the fact that this is the last day I wanted to point out that I didn’t forget. I wanted to be lazy, I could’ve edited this but I am tired so it is what it is. But it is done and right now that’s the most important thing.

Well I hope you had a great day and are understanding that your parents are human. It took me a long while to figure that out with my mom, your Mema. I don’t know when you will have a chance to read this, but until then I sincerely hope you have a little bit more insight of who I am and what I want to be for you.

With Love
Jamarow aka Dad