Well I am here making my debut. I have been out for a while family and I certainly apologize if I have left you all wanting. Needed that week to just get my head right. A lot has happened mentally for me to try and figure out. Have you ever been faced with a decision that will leave one feeling like a failure and the other an opportunity. Well let me tell you about my dilmena.
New York City…my current place of residence is just not the type of place I want to live. The same for my wife for that matter. However for the misses, it holds the key to her future should she decide to maintain her ability to perform. You see she has been dancing ever since I knew her, she has also been modeling, singing, musical theater and with our recent addition to the family she is trying to find what directions she wants her life to go. She still wants to complete her goals and for some reason all her thoughts contradict each other…im told that is part of motherhood setting in. The one thing we agree on is not wanting to call NYC home.
This is where two ideals need to merge into one. But differing opinions go to battle with each other. I on one hand would like to start working towards our future. I never been the one to sit and wait, once the solution is identified I’m ready to pull the trigger…why wait right! Wrong, Her ideal is to complete her dream get on broadway hopefully find a way to stack some money and save (hopefully its not just me but can that happen in NYC) and move once we have everything we want.
Whats really hard about this is I want to support her goals and dreams, but I am really worried about taking an opportunity to build on a foundation. I guess the more serious matter is I am in consulting. We have been on contract for the past 2
years with the state of NY and thats about to be a wrap in about a little under a year. To tell you the truth I am feeling like a man in the middle of the ocean without a boat and just a paddle, you ever heard the phrase swimming up shit creek? Well thats how I’m feeling right now, but I also see it as an opportunity to get our ideas together and make a plan and set goals that we would like for our family. Being that we do not see ourselves in NYC for the long haul, I think its best to work on finding the place we want to be and work towards that.
My lady cannot let go though. Her dreams are powerful and rightfully so they are obtainable and we are here. Why not stay and get that opportunity to live the dream. I could finally start my own publishing company and see what I can do NYC bright lights will inspire you they say. But I’ve been inspired for a while now my dreams will not die if I leave NY so I should be the man and stay put and wait for her to become her dream. But my heart is really torn I would ideally like to start everything in a place that we can build our foundation on. Who knows maybe I am being selfish. The things that scare me is the economy, living pay check to pay check, supporting our beautiful daughter and looking at her one day telling her to go after her dreams, meanwhile I am pulling her mother away from her dream, and I’m neglecting my dream because it will be in a place that I will not be in for long.
The misses told me, I will follow you. That would probably sound beautiful to someone who is only concerned about getting their way. But I am really not. I fear that if we move she will not hold the same fire for the passion she has held for as long as I have known her. She can be in NYC doing her thing and have a home to come back to many people work it out that way. In
my experiences through relationships and life if you want it bad it enough, its pretty hard for anything to come in between and keep it from you. I guess its really not that serious but I really do feel torn, Am I such an optimist that I think that we could do whatever we want where ever we are. If only we find a way to make it work for our situation, your situation? I have faith in my abilities and hers that we could rule the world. However, I often think maybe my grand plan is me being selfish, but am I, would I be holding her back? and if so how much would I really be holding her back. On the flip side where would I be. It is hard for me to go according the plan knowing that one day the unavoidable will happen and we will be much older and much further down the road for me and my goals and how I feel comfortable working.
One has to keep in mind the same thing happens to the other no matter the decision but the desire and passion to succeed is what will keep you together. I can make the sacrifice and perhaps I probably should that is the ultimate support, but thats why we ended up here in the first place, sometimes things change and a new scenery is needed. Maybe it would be easier for me to fall to her will if I felt like I had the same option of someone telling me they would sacrifice so much for me. And she probably already has she said she would follow, but i received that gesture more of well if you go then I guess…I will come too.
What did Kevin Heart say in his standup… his uncle told him “Say it with ya chest” pride, enthusiasm and confidence. Maybe I’m doing a bit to much though. Anyway appreciate you family for taking an ear or an eye to my random thought today.